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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

S is for sin

so....mmmm.......ah yes. living in sin...in mom's basement. 

i had lied to S about my age for an entire month when we first met. smug and horny he figured i was 19'ish and damn if i didn't figure i had it made. i had him hooked. S was going to take care of me and all i had to do was keep him happy. i didn't feel good about myself inside but my outside, now that got attention. the infamous macfarlan clevage. now listen up mother's/father's...the power and thrill that this type of attention brings to a girl who doesn't think she's worthwhile is incredible. it dangerous and terrifying. it changes who you are. it made me feel beautiful and special. it made me feel like i counted. i didn't bother myself thinking about the fact his attentions might have been for all the wrong reasons. i equated his attention to being a worthy person. i gave him my power. if he thought i was good, then i was good. my esteem became dependent entirely on male approval. (BAD)

he brought me to the army base and flaunted me in front of all the other soldier's in the tiny dark tv room with my party friend E. we wore our tightest 'outfits'. i cringe at a memory flash or faux leather pants. like plastic almost very sweaty inside. S held my hand and kissed my cheek at the coffee shop downtown. people talked but someone had picked me, claimed me...i felt untouchable, protected from their judgments. i had a man, not a boy. i was 16 then he was 31. how cool did i feel. really fucking cool. 

S and i camped and hiked all over kaninaskis. we white water rafted. he taught me how to climb. how to build shelter in the woods. which bear poop belonged to who, which berry to eat/not eat. he trained the army in outdoor adventure's and i got to live so much of it first hand. when i think of him, i remember being outside. best of all i was creating a new identity. i was going to be the healthy nature girl. i soon started to realize i wasn't as 'fit' as i could have been. i smoked but i wasn't about to quit that because it kept you thin. i'm sure i can thank cosmopolitan magazine for that trivial piece of bullshit not that they endorsed tobacco but fat girls didn't have boyfriends was the overall message within the pages. i started running, nothing quite like the feeling of getting away from something physically. running running running. i had angry feminist raging ani difranco music blaring in my ears and a self manta i would repeat to myself each step my foot hit the pavement....worthless stupid fat bitch...he's not gonna want you....worthless stupid fat bitch...nobody likes you.... i rode my bike a lot. i also started throwing up everything i ate. i would go to wendy's and eat till i was stuffed, it felt so good to be full...having a secret also felt good. i was taking matters into my own hands. i had the control. i had a job as a chambermaid in canmore so i often was in bathrooms which made it easy. the hardest part is a quiet place to do it. i imagined the lives of the people's rooms i was in, their perfume bottles on the bathroom counter, their beautiful jewlery and clothing. the ladies must have been married and happy, loved. the men's shirts thrown casually onto chairs. their belts across beds. ironed suits. professionals. father's who probably loved their kids. how did people end up so successful? how did people end up important like that? ....their things scattered in rooms for useless people like me to pick up. i envied them. 

had moved out of mom's to bow valley campground which is just north of the exit to kananaskis country. it isnt a town, its basically half dozen houses for staff of the park. no store just tree's. he rented a room off a woman named K. she sneered at me and visa versa. i once rode my bike there to suprise them because i was sure she liked him and was acting on it. from canmore 20 mins by car...it must have taken me hours on my 3 speed bike. i'd have done anything to keep my place.
now if your well versed on bulimia you know that you don't actually get much skinnier, if anything you gain weight; something about your body going into starvation mode and clinging onto every calorie consumed thereafter. i had bloodshot eyes i threw up so violently and so often. i began chain smoking. i hated that i still lived at home it made me feel like i was a child. S didn't want to live together so i started working night shifts at a pub downtown and renting a room in canmore to prove my independence. my landlord L introduced me to whiskey and john lee hooker. no funny business he was a good man. i'd dropped out just before meeting S but was now taking my classes through correspondence booklets. i came left as i pleased.

when i turned 17 and we had 'dated for 2 years S started talking about travelling. he wanted to go to nepal. he began to finalize his trekking plans, mapping routes, confirming dates...finally purchasing his plane tickets. i had no extra money so i couldnt follow. i say follow because i wasn't invited. he was moving on. my security evaporating i was terrified and angry at him. i felt it before i knew it. i was being abandoned. again. the maturity i felt by with S started to disappear. same as before i didn't believe in me. truthfully there was no real relationship. c'mon how long can sex with a teenage girl float your boat. 2 years thats how long. i couldn't change his mind. i contemplated skipping my birth control pill to trap him. probably cosmo thinking again. but it was inevitable and instead of being deserted again i beat him to the punch. i went right back to the escape zone. drinking and drinking and drinking some more. we fought more and more. it was the end. S left for nepal. the day he flew i drank 2litres of pink zinfedel and fell into blackouts waking up only to cry. i smoked till i couldn't breathe. i drank till i couldn't see. 

my friend E and i were back in full swing, thick as thieves. now of actual legal drinking with real ID'S the bouncers did big fat headed double takes thinking 'huh haven't these two been coming in here for 3 years?' yup. and now i had a mission. delete it all. delete my life. 

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